Dear Charlie Curmudgeon:

I absolutely adore my little Pattycakes, but she doesn't always use the litterbox, and sometimes goes potty on the rug or even on my clothes! What do I do?

- Pathetic Pam of Pennsylvania

Dear Pathetic:

Well it's no wonder she's upset with you with a name like "Pattycakes." Why couldn't you give her a real name befitting her regal status as a cat, like "Princess" or "Empress of the Known Universe?" Well, seriously, us cats have our reasons for not using the litterbox. Humans always think it's because we're upset about something. Maybe so, but maybe it just hurts when we pee! Ever think of that? More often than not, a cat doesn't use the litterbox because of a urinary tract disorder. Get that Pattycakes to a vet and have her checked out before you go blaming her for soiling your slips.

Dear Charlie Curmudgeon:

I have the dearest sweetest Siamese that used to be the most loveable cat imaginable. I had her declawed because she was ruining my expensive furniture, and ever since then she sometimes bites me. Is she mad at me? What can I do?

- Ottoman of Oregon

Dear Otto:

Hmmm, let me think about this one. How about I grab a pair of pliers and yank your fingers out one by one? Would you be mad at me? OF COURSE SHE'S MAD AT YOU! Us felines have finely honed instincts (unlike those stoopid dawgs) and our claws are integral to our survival. Get rid of them and what do we have left to protect ourselves with? You got it bucko, our teeth, and if we have to sharpen them up on your still-intact fingers than that's what we're gonna do! But I guess if the deed is already done, there's not much you can do to add the claws back. Here's what you gotta do to protect yourself from the teeth (and don't tell other cats I told you so!). Pay attention to your cat. Your cat will give you signs of when he wants to be approached or left alone. If you offer your hand and the cat moves his head into your hand, you're okay. But if you get "the look" - better keep your distance 'til kitty's in a better mood!

Gotta question for me? Send your questions to charliec@kswmyy.com. But keep it short, 'cuz between snoozing and eating and knocking stuff off of tables, I don't got all day!